A Short Letter to the Dancing Queens - My Dancing Queens

I was uninspired but you inspired me --- you, you, you and you.

Every year, for the past three years and the years beyond today, you'll always inspire me - to be better, to be a bitch, to be fabulous, to be who I am and to be whoever I want to be. Well, who would've known that we will last this long? Who would've knew that despite our differences and despite the differences, we've made it through. We're still here, though for how long I do not know. But in my heart, you know I hope that I could get to grow old with you, sing Abba songs with you, maybe some TS songs too. (Note: TS - either The Script or the Taylor Swift) I'd really love to walk down the aisle with you, with you girls on my back or with me leading the way. Well, someday. Let's try that someday. For now, let's get on with our lives and leave a part of each day for each other. Maybe not everyday, but on happy days and sad days and in betweens.

I know I'm not the perfect friend, I talk a lot and butt in a lot and try to take control of most of our conversations. You know how I love to talk, especially talking with you girls. I feel like I can almost always share anything. Without judgment, but with a little scolding, guidance, giggles and weird comments here and there. You've taught me that friendship isn't always smooth sailing,and as in any relationship (that despite the easy way we could jive) I should always put in a lot of effort, a lot of love and a lot of commitment into it.

I know you've been giving all those too - effort, love and commitment - because I know that if there's one sure thing we've learned from forever talking about life and love is that every relationship works not from love alone but from a lot of things. I know that when I'm sad and gloomy or not myself, you'll always know there's something amiss or you'll talk to me and say, "Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong?" and you'll tell me "How I(you) hate to see you (me) like this ".

I know you'll always be my "super troupers", the girls I could call when I need to go after the girl who stole my guy, the ones who'll drink with me when I've just got the best job ever, the ones who'll laugh at my silly jokes and weird antics, the one who'll call for sleepovers when I get my heart broken over a boy, some fab dress, hat or accessory (that I can't or shan't buy), money, family or career, the ones who'll give me a pat when I did great and a slap when I'm being stupid.

I'll always be grateful that you had the guts to "Take a chance on me", the weirdo girl who's too giddy for her own good. "If you need me, let me know, gonna be around. If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown." ---> I'll always be here, sometimes MIA but always here. Does that even make any sense at all? :))

Thank you for teaching me how to say "No", for making me a little organized and responsible, a little quirky and wild (although I know managed that well on my own but you've contributed a lot), a little mature, a little sentimental, a little bit more excited with life, dreams and love and love and love. Thank you for being there, for sharing my triumphs, my joys, my failures and heartbreaks. For sympathizing with me through all the errors I've made and for backing me up in every life's big, bigger and biggest challenges. You're the best four friends one could ever ask for, and because I'm an only girl, you'll always be my non-bio sisters. ;) Oh yeah! Let's keep in touch and bond soon. I miss you more than you'll ever know. When something great happens, I'll tell you ASAP. I love you all, today and forever (I hope we survive this long distance thing).

This friendship is "Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours." (My Immortal Beloved, Beethoven) I may suck at relationships but at least I can say I'm doing my best in this one. Not. It started the day we sang "Dancing Queen" together and I know someday when we're old, gnarly and our memory fails us this song will remind us of how it used to be, how it'll always be our song and how we'll always be friends. Forever, who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky.

Yours til my next letter - your friend forever,

KATING

P.S. This letter was actually inspired by Mamma Mia and Rox (because she gave me this nice, long, touching letter. BUT HERS IS SO MUCH BETTER. I CRIED.). The girls there, they've been friends for so long even if they weren't always together and even if they're living vastly different lives. I hope we have that too. Obviously, all the songs here in quotations are ABBA. WE just love them, right?

The things I’ve learned when I met you

1. The problem with fishing for information that wasn’t willingly given to you is that you discover things you don’t want to find. On the other hand the comfort of it is that you ended the deception that was blinding your mind. Since I’ve met you I wanted to know everything about you without you knowing, it. I don’t want you to know how much anxious I am with who you talk to when we’re not talking. I was more than curious of how close you were to your friends, especially those who seem to be attached to you. I go crazy with anticipation to know more than what you tell, what is behind your words and what you seem to be hesitant to tell. But after that, after I have inspected, and memorized every inch of you that is there, what then? We are still nowhere, I can’t change the way things are, I can’t change the way you feel for me or for her. But at least I know I know the limitations of what we have and of what you are. At least, my heart is undisturbed, in pain but at least it is not filled with too much anxiety.

2. There are people who believe their lies to be true, because even to their selves they are lying. You often tell me things and I believe them to be true. I wanted to believe it so badly, and I see that you want me to believe in it so badly because you believe it yourself, and so I let you and I let myself. I am always giving into you anyway, what difference will it make if I believe in your lies? Nothing. Even if I can see it right in front of me, even if I saw you walking with her, smiling at her, loving her in your own little way. I still believed it when you said you were over her, that you no longer care. But I know now that you still linger in that hope for what was lost. I hate you for it, but I let you, as always I let you tell me that I need not to be jealous, because it was nothing. You said you can’t stand to be with her, but I saw you walking together, alone, just the two of you, laughing at something where only the two of you can hear. Yes, you can’t stand her, right? Liar. But again, I let it pass, I wanted to forget what I saw, because really? So what? I don’t have any right to be jealous anyway, I can’ t tell you I am, I can’t demand for the truth, I can’t ask you to stop walking with her, because I can’t, because I don’t have the right, because we’re just friends. Friends aren’t supposed to demand things, right? Or could they? I don’t know.

3. I have been basking in the comfort of being unattached; I was at ease with freedom, until I met you. I mean, I’m scared of commitments because I can’t keep them, I’m scared of relationships because I always try to give what I can but it is never enough. I am scared to hurt someone else again, I don’t want to be attached because even if I want to break free, it hurts me to know I have caused pain to someone who had been important to me, someone who loves me. I don’t want to be entangled with someone because I can forget him when I am busy, when I am enjoying the company of my friends, when I am with my family, or when I’m busy in school. I don’t want someone who dictates me on what I should wear, or how I should laugh or what I should eat or when I should. It’s sickening, I need a breather. I don’t want someone else’s world to revolve around me. I don’t want them to depend too much on me, because I know I’m not dependable. I don’t want to be needy and clingy, and I’m tired of the fights and not knowing why someone is mad at me, I’m tired of irrational jealousy and I’m tired of being jealous and irrational too. I know that not everyone is like him, but I know myself, I know what I can give and I know on how far I will go, and I know that sooner or later, no matter how much I try not disappoint the one I’m with, I will. And that no matter how willing he is to be disappointed a hundred of times as long as we’re together, I couldn’t stand it. And I know it’s never going to work out because I can’t make myself into something I am not. But I don’t want to be with you anyway, why have I ventured to relationships? I mean, I don’t want that. Not yet. Not too soon, not when I’m young and free, not when I still have the privilege to be reckless and easy on life. But I just want to know where I stand, I want to know how you feel about me, I want to know if you think about me as much I think of you which is a lot, every time I am lost in my thoughts, every time I can spare my time to think of something. My thoughts strain to you, like now, when all I really want is to sleep, I write of the things I have realized since I met you. I want to have the right to have your time, as much as you can spare, I want to have the reason to be jealous and to ask who she is and what she is to you. I want to know where you are going and what time you’ll come home, and who you’re with and what you are doing. See? There I go again, contradicting myself, I don’t want to be jealous but I want to have the right. I want to own you without necessarily calling you mine, and without you thinking that I’m yours alone. How selfish is that right? How egoistic. I want to know that you get jealous too, when I mention a guy’s name, unintentional or not. I want to know if you miss me when you don’t see me, or if you can stand a day without me. Well, I guess you can. I can too, but I miss you when I don’t. I want you to miss me too. All I need is to know you care for me too and maybe more. What that more is, I don’t know yet.

4. You can like him even if you dislike everything about him. I hate your smile, because there is nothing bright or sunny about it, I hate the way you talk about things, and we often disagree on almost everything. I hate the way you text or the way you laugh, I hate the way you express yourself and I hate you. But I don’t want to hate you because as you said, you can’t hate without loving someone first. And I’m sure that I don’t love you, because if I am unsure of how I feel with someone who I planned to marry before, how can I fall for someone who is almost a stranger to me, someone who I don’t know that much, right?

5. You can avoid someone, but not necessarily avoid him because you want to make sure that he knows there’s something wrong, and you want him to care so in the end, you fail to avoid him. No matter how many reason you come up with to avoid him, no matter how many friends you have promised to not talk to him anymore, you still end up breaking them because you can’t help it. Even if you are unsure why he talks to you and even if it hurts you to know he doesn’t need to talk to you as much you need to, you still talk to him. Even sometimes it hurts, even if sometimes it’s too obvious how pointless your conversations are and how much you want it to be more of substance and of sense.

6. I can hope for something hopeless, I can make scraps from nothing. And you can pore over every single word or detail and hope they have hidden symbolisms behind them, and when you fail to find any, you just imagine and make up things. ;)

It Is What You Wanted

Why do we wait for messages that never come?

For the words that we want to hear

But were never uttered

And when someone else says it

We recoil, we run away, we disappear

Why do we keep coming back?

To the ones who don’t need us in their lives

Who can go through a day without hearing our voice

Who can sing out loud and happy to the sky

Like nothing in their life is missing

While we wait for them

To notice that we are just around the corner

Why do we keep believing ?

That those smiles are more than just what they are

A friendly gesture from someone

With a sweet heart

And an unassuming laughter

Why can’t we get over the fact?

That everyone can’t love us back

And that we shouldn’t blame them

For whatever feelings we have

They didn’t ask for our affection

They didn’t want us to mend a broken heart

Why do we dwell on the past?

That will never happen again

Where some things may have gone wrong

But all we can do now is regret them

While drowning in the what ifs

That we wanted to happen

That would have happened

But never did

Why do we hope for the future?

Dreaming but sitting

Looking up in the sky

Wishing at the stars

Praying for what we want

But never having the guts

To go out

To take risks

To make them happen

Why?

A Guy Can Wait

You are beautiful

The freckles on your skin calls out to me

I want to kiss each mark on your body

The smell of you

The sweetness of your mere fragrance

Wreaks havoc to my senses, to my soul, to my being

Alone

Tonight

Here

Together

In a room that had served as a shelter

To homeless lovers like ourselves

I wanted you so badly

I wanted to cut the distance between us

To a measure where intimate touches are all we can do

I wanted to study you

From the strands of your unkempt hair

To the colored nails of the toes on your feet

I’ll worship you

I’ll never forget

I will remember each and every single piece of you

Every nook

Every corner

Every sound that’ll come out of your mouth

I am ready

I have done this before

I know I could make you happy

But will that be enough?

Are you ready?

I don’t know

Do I care?

I do

But why should I do this to you?

Why are you letting me do this to you?

Because we love each other

You’re every breathe I take

And you take my breath away

I’m not forcing myself on you

But judging from the tears

Building up in the corner of your eyes

You are scared

Even if your body succumbs itself to me

Even if the heat of you

Stokes the ember of my being

I stopped myself

I love you

And I know you love me too

I don’t need proof

My hormones are driving me crazy

And yours are clouding your senses

You are driving me to insanity

But I’m in control

I don’t want you to venture

The dangerous unknown with me

The fright from what we’ve done

The guilt resonating from the depths of your soul

The possibility of nine months of shame and suffering

And it’s miracle

I’d want to spend the nine months with you smiling

Every single day of it

I need to spend the forever with you

Without regrets

Without skeletons from our closets

I can take things slow

I’ve promised we’ll not rush

I can wait

For you

I can

I will

MINSAN NABUHAY AKO SA MUNDO

Sa pagdurusa tayo’y nagiisa, kahit pa sabihin ng iba na kadamay natin sila. Oo, siguro sa tuwing tayo’y iiyak, may kaibigang handang dumamay at makinig sa ating mga hinain sa buhay. Oo, pag may sakit sa atin, meron tayong pwedeng tawagin upang umagapay, ngunit tunay ba natin silang kasama sa ating pagdurusa?

Noong ako’y bata, iniisip kong ang mundo’y aking isang malaking palaruan, kung saan pwede kong gawin kahit ano man ang aking naisin. Sa aking tantya, ang bawat tao’y kalaro ko na pwedeng tawagin kung kelan ko naisin, akala ko ang mundo’y puno ng tawa, mundong kahit kelan ay di ako mag-iisa. Ngunit tulad ng lahat ng bagay sa mundo, tayo’y nagbabago, tumatanda. Ang dating mataas na mesang di natin maabot, hanggang bewang na lang natin ito ngayon. Ang dating laruan na parang santo kung ating alagaan, naiwan na lang sa isang tabi at nakalimutan, pawang walang naging parte sa ating buhay. Kung alam ko lang na ang pinaka purong klase ng kasiyahan na aking madarama ay nung ako’y musmos pa lamang at inosente pa sa iba’t ibang klase ng pagdurusa sa mundo, sana sinagad sagad ko na. Dahil ngayon, kahit na ako’y nakangiti o tumatawa, aminin ko man o hindi, ay may baid na nang pagpapanggap sa aking mga labi, may tunog na peke sa aking mga halakhak.

Ngunit siguro di niyo ako maiinitindihan, siguro kasi normal ang buhay mo, siguro di mo binibilang ang mga araw na lalanghapin mo pa ang maduming hangin dito sa mundo, siguro di mo naririnig gabi-gabi ang iyak ng iyong ina na parang patay ka na, hindi mo nakikita ang tatay mong di makatulog sa gabi at umiinom ng alak sa inyong kusina, siguro mahal ka ng mga kapatid mo at di ka nila sinusumpa sa pang-aagaw ng buong atensyon ng inyong mga magulang.

Masaya naman ang buhay dati, masaya ang aming pamilya, pumupunta linggo linggo sa simbahan para magdasal, kumakain ng hapunan sa iisang mesa at may tawanan pang nangingibabawa sa aming tahanan. Pero simula nang bumagyo ng Milenyo, nung nawalan ng tubigat kuryente sa Cavite, nung pumasok ang mga estduyanteng di plantasado ang damit at wala ni isang basa ang buhok sa umaga tulad ng dati, nung sabay sabay ng bayan naming hinarap ang lumipas na unas. Ako’y naiwan, nag-iisang nagdurusa, nag-iisang lumalaban, nag-iisang lumalaban para mabuhay sa mundo. Nalaman ko na kumakalat na ang cancer sa aking dugo noong mga panahong muntik nang matuklap ng bagyo ang bubong n gaming bahay, nung wala nang masakyang tricycle o jeep papunta kung saan man, nung nabasag ang bintana sa ospital dahil sa lakas ng hampas ng hangin. Tila bagyo din ang nangingibabaw sa akin, sa aking mga magulang, sa aking mga kapatid, sa aking isip, may iba’t ibang emosyon na dumaloy sa aking dugo, tulad ng pesteng sakit na dumadaloy din sa aking dugo. Sabi nila, may leukemia daw akom ang nasabi ko pa nung una, “ano yun?” Halatang walang pakielam sa mundo, halatang hindi inaasahan na magiging apektado ako ng isang salitang banyaga sa akin, halatang hindi palabasa tulad ng katabi sa klase naming sa Agham. Pero ngayon parte na ito ng araw-araw kong buhay, simula sa pag-gising hanggang pagtulog, simula sa pagsubo ng pagkaing di naman ako tutulungang mapahaba ang aking buhay hanggang sa pagligo ko kahit alam kong bukas, makalawa, mag-aamoy lupa din ako. Sunod kong tinanong ay kung “bakit ba kasi ako pa?” Sa totoo lang, ayokong maranasan nang kung sino man kung anong nararanasan ko ngayon, pero bakit ako/ Normal lang naman ako, di naman ako ubod ng talino na dapat nang patayin para iba naman ang maging top 1 sa klase, di rin naman ako sobrang bobo na kailangan nang ilaglag sa bangin dahil pagod nang intindihin ang mga aralin sa paaralan. Di naman ako ganun kasama, di pa naman ako nakapatay o nagnakaw, pwera na lang siguro nung mga oras na gipit na ako at kumupit na lang sa alkansya ni ate para lang makasabay sa pagbili ng fishball ng aking mga kaibigan. Sa tingin ko naman may karapatan din akong mabuhay pa ng matagal sa mundo, pero sino ba ako para magdesisyon diba?

Di ako nag-iisa, lingo lingo dumadalaw ang mga kaibigan ko mula sa eskwela, buwan buwan iba’t ibang mga pangalang di ko alam na kamag-anak ko pala ang dumadalaw para kamustahin ako. May iba pa ngang umiiyak kahit di naman nila ako kilala, kahit di naman nila ako nakasama. Sabi pa nila nakakaawa naman ako, napakabata ko pa para mamatay, bakit ba kasi di daw inintindi ng aking mga magulang ang kalusugan ko. Pero sa totoo lang, di naman kasalanan ng mga magulang ko, kahit pa alam nilang may lahi na kami ng Leukemia sa pamilya, sino ba naming makakaisip na sa walong malulusog na anak na dinala mo dito sa mundo, na pinapakain mo ng pinakamasustansyang pagkain sa mundo, na pinapatulog mo sa pinakamalambot ng kutsyon, na hindi mo pinadadapuan sa kahit anong uri ng insekto, na pinabakunahan mo ng lahat ng proprotekta sa kanya sa mga sakit ay mamatay pa din ng maaga. Tadhana nga naman, sadyang mapaglaro siyang talaga. Pero kahit ilang gabi pa akong tabihan ng aking mga magulang sa pagtulog, puntahan ng libo libong kamag-anak at bisitahin ng mga kaibigan nais akong pasayahin. Alam kong ako’y naiisa sa aking pagdurusa, sariling kargo ko lamang ang aking dadalhin, kahit pa sabihin nilang naiinitindihan nila ako, alam kong hindi nila maiinitindihan ang takot na nararamadaman ko tuwing gabi pag ipipkit ko na ang aking mata at palaisipan sa akin kung imumulat ko pa ito bukas. Hindi nila alam ang kabang aking nadarama sa pagiisip kung sa imyerno ba ako o sa langit mapupunta kapag ako’y namatay na, minsan nga iniisip ko ba may langit ba talaga o ginawa lang ito ng aking mga magulang para gawin ko ang tama at mali, para matakot akong may kaparusahan sa impyerno ang aking mga sala. Hindi nila nararamadaman ang pagnanasa kong makapagtapos ng aking pag-aaral,makapagtrabaho at kumita ng sarili kong pera, mag-pakasal, bumuo ng sariling pamilya at tumanda kasama ng lalaking mahal ko habang pinapanuod naming an gaming mga anak na bumuo ng kanya kanyang bersyon nila ng buhay. Pero isa lang ang naiisip kong masaya kong sasabihin sa kabilang buhay, kung saan man ako mapupunta, ito’y nagpapasalamat ako na minsan nabuhay ako sa mundo, at nakilala ko kung ang mga taong nandiyan sa aking tabi kahit ako’y nag-iisa.

For the guy I wanted (Unfinished)

I don’t want to play the victim, because in all honesty, there was really nothing wrong with him, and he didn’t really do anything. Or maybe he did, maybe not. But unintentional or otherwise, it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I was the one who wanted to believe that what we have is something more than what it is. I was the one who built all these false hopes in my head that slid down all the way to my heart. I was the one who colored his words into things I wanted to hear. I was the one who took the flirty jokes and banters seriously. It was me who seriously hoped that what we have could eventually evolve to what I want us to be. Actually, I don’t really know what I want yet, well maybe in a peculiar way I do, and it’s a super selfish reason, that a big part of me rejects it, but the major members of my body wants it so badly.

Why does it have to be more anyway? I mean we could be friends, right? Why can’t I just be contended with that? Because I want it to be more, I don’t want to invest in something that I wouldn’t profit from. I want returns from my investments. I don’t want you, this, us to be just another pointless venture to pass my time away. But I can’t make my move, because I don’t really know what I want from you, it’s not concrete yet. Maybe I’m just lonely, maybe it’s something more, maybe not. Why do I keep contradicting myself anyway? Why can’t I just be happy that we are friends? It’s what I have initially wanted. Then this thing inside me, whatever it is, wanted it to be more. I wanted you and me, to be us. Emphasis on the “I”, because I was the only one who wanted it. You never did. But there were times, moments, there were simple words, jokingly said or not, that had sheltered and nourished that futile hope in me. There were moments, few though they may be, that had encouraged me to believe that you see me beyond just the girl you talk to out of habit or routine. Or that if you have not digested the fact yet, or if you have not made the realization at this early stage of our friendship, I was hoping that in time you would want me, as I am, not just a friend, not just someone who listens to your countless stories, or to your woes, and your fears and your little successes. L