1. The problem with fishing for information that wasn’t willingly given to you is that you discover things you don’t want to find. On the other hand the comfort of it is that you ended the deception that was blinding your mind. Since I’ve met you I wanted to know everything about you without you knowing, it. I don’t want you to know how much anxious I am with who you talk to when we’re not talking. I was more than curious of how close you were to your friends, especially those who seem to be attached to you. I go crazy with anticipation to know more than what you tell, what is behind your words and what you seem to be hesitant to tell. But after that, after I have inspected, and memorized every inch of you that is there, what then? We are still nowhere, I can’t change the way things are, I can’t change the way you feel for me or for her. But at least I know I know the limitations of what we have and of what you are. At least, my heart is undisturbed, in pain but at least it is not filled with too much anxiety.
2. There are people who believe their lies to be true, because even to their selves they are lying. You often tell me things and I believe them to be true. I wanted to believe it so badly, and I see that you want me to believe in it so badly because you believe it yourself, and so I let you and I let myself. I am always giving into you anyway, what difference will it make if I believe in your lies? Nothing. Even if I can see it right in front of me, even if I saw you walking with her, smiling at her, loving her in your own little way. I still believed it when you said you were over her, that you no longer care. But I know now that you still linger in that hope for what was lost. I hate you for it, but I let you, as always I let you tell me that I need not to be jealous, because it was nothing. You said you can’t stand to be with her, but I saw you walking together, alone, just the two of you, laughing at something where only the two of you can hear. Yes, you can’t stand her, right? Liar. But again, I let it pass, I wanted to forget what I saw, because really? So what? I don’t have any right to be jealous anyway, I can’ t tell you I am, I can’t demand for the truth, I can’t ask you to stop walking with her, because I can’t, because I don’t have the right, because we’re just friends. Friends aren’t supposed to demand things, right? Or could they? I don’t know.
3. I have been basking in the comfort of being unattached; I was at ease with freedom, until I met you. I mean, I’m scared of commitments because I can’t keep them, I’m scared of relationships because I always try to give what I can but it is never enough. I am scared to hurt someone else again, I don’t want to be attached because even if I want to break free, it hurts me to know I have caused pain to someone who had been important to me, someone who loves me. I don’t want to be entangled with someone because I can forget him when I am busy, when I am enjoying the company of my friends, when I am with my family, or when I’m busy in school. I don’t want someone who dictates me on what I should wear, or how I should laugh or what I should eat or when I should. It’s sickening, I need a breather. I don’t want someone else’s world to revolve around me. I don’t want them to depend too much on me, because I know I’m not dependable. I don’t want to be needy and clingy, and I’m tired of the fights and not knowing why someone is mad at me, I’m tired of irrational jealousy and I’m tired of being jealous and irrational too. I know that not everyone is like him, but I know myself, I know what I can give and I know on how far I will go, and I know that sooner or later, no matter how much I try not disappoint the one I’m with, I will. And that no matter how willing he is to be disappointed a hundred of times as long as we’re together, I couldn’t stand it. And I know it’s never going to work out because I can’t make myself into something I am not. But I don’t want to be with you anyway, why have I ventured to relationships? I mean, I don’t want that. Not yet. Not too soon, not when I’m young and free, not when I still have the privilege to be reckless and easy on life. But I just want to know where I stand, I want to know how you feel about me, I want to know if you think about me as much I think of you which is a lot, every time I am lost in my thoughts, every time I can spare my time to think of something. My thoughts strain to you, like now, when all I really want is to sleep, I write of the things I have realized since I met you. I want to have the right to have your time, as much as you can spare, I want to have the reason to be jealous and to ask who she is and what she is to you. I want to know where you are going and what time you’ll come home, and who you’re with and what you are doing. See? There I go again, contradicting myself, I don’t want to be jealous but I want to have the right. I want to own you without necessarily calling you mine, and without you thinking that I’m yours alone. How selfish is that right? How egoistic. I want to know that you get jealous too, when I mention a guy’s name, unintentional or not. I want to know if you miss me when you don’t see me, or if you can stand a day without me. Well, I guess you can. I can too, but I miss you when I don’t. I want you to miss me too. All I need is to know you care for me too and maybe more. What that more is, I don’t know yet.
4. You can like him even if you dislike everything about him. I hate your smile, because there is nothing bright or sunny about it, I hate the way you talk about things, and we often disagree on almost everything. I hate the way you text or the way you laugh, I hate the way you express yourself and I hate you. But I don’t want to hate you because as you said, you can’t hate without loving someone first. And I’m sure that I don’t love you, because if I am unsure of how I feel with someone who I planned to marry before, how can I fall for someone who is almost a stranger to me, someone who I don’t know that much, right?
5. You can avoid someone, but not necessarily avoid him because you want to make sure that he knows there’s something wrong, and you want him to care so in the end, you fail to avoid him. No matter how many reason you come up with to avoid him, no matter how many friends you have promised to not talk to him anymore, you still end up breaking them because you can’t help it. Even if you are unsure why he talks to you and even if it hurts you to know he doesn’t need to talk to you as much you need to, you still talk to him. Even sometimes it hurts, even if sometimes it’s too obvious how pointless your conversations are and how much you want it to be more of substance and of sense.
6. I can hope for something hopeless, I can make scraps from nothing. And you can pore over every single word or detail and hope they have hidden symbolisms behind them, and when you fail to find any, you just imagine and make up things. ;)
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